Scary

Here goes another round.
The demonic soulsearcher has cast his spells, and I am nearing the cliff.
Yes, I have used alcohol: it lifts the weight off.

So I am struggling: what all about this whole new idea: listening to self?
How do I go about it, and isn't it just a new version of the old: admittedly, someone knowledgable gave me permission (if not obligation) to 'do what I want'.
Welcome to hell. Now I have to actually figure out what I want.
Oh, right: been there. I'm stumped.

Every second, the question: do I write? Do I sublimate? Do I throw out life?
Am I overreacting? Selfindulging? What would make me beam?
Am I being enough of me?
I expect this writing not to be a success, and am wondering if it is a trick of the mind. THE mind.

Tuesday, everything seemed open for solution. Now I traced it back to square one.
I may need professional help.

And why does it take alcohol to write anything after tuesday?

How can I be sure?

Then again: (I hate the inhabitant of at least one of my shoulders) perhaps this is the last snowfall of winter? Or the homeopathic effect? I guess I'm not worse off than before - just troubled again (and forced to encounter unwelcome history).

Compensation, right? Man, there's still a lot of convincing to do - though I am willing to fall in love.

Zen and the power of creative writing tells me to practice writing without a stop, never raising the pen, never unstroking the keyboard. I guess I need editing before publishing, but this site is not meant for beauty. Confession, more likely. And I like the idea of stream-of-consiousness: the writing for me.

Conflict, conflict, conflict. But where is the sun?
At least there is hope now.
Free will is a bitch.
And old Freud is probably right: it all comes down to sex.
But I didn't drink all that much.


Note to reader: be not alarmed. I had to write this for me (and as an ugly challenge to Steve). All is well. And improving. Demons are perishing by well-aimed stabs of letters. Though perhaps not these. I am pondering whether they should be sung.