Many a man's monogamy

Being faithful is all about expectations.

If anything is bothering me, it is the clock. Tick tock tick tock it's two o'clock stop reading you old sock. Cookoo, cookoo, so much to do, so little time before the chime. Handle these servicerequest, don't forget the meeting (try and read this if you can) got to pick up the kids from school, write a post, make love, fix a bike, cook meal, study, fly,...
Apart from that: all is going well. I suspect I'm entering my small scale manic phase again =) Oh yes, and then there is sex. This is piercing my thought at the regularity that some researchers appoint to all men, but with a twist: I'm not so much considering the act (well, I am, but that's besides the point), as I am appreciating the paradoxes sex (the freudian version, basically meaning any human interaction - if you ignore Freud's own freudian denial) brings.

Am I monogamous? Well, considering the woman I'm married to, I have to plead guilty: I do not fulfill the expectations of Ilse (or many a woman's) on that account.
OK, here's for an honest-as-I-can roundup first (this may lead to an argument, or even hurt feelings, but I have to try and be objective in my subjectivity): being a lazy, non-toothbrushing, only washing twice a week in the shower, shaving if my eyebrows are getting envious type of guy (I am not certain if I am ashamed about all this - might pick up on this some other time), I have a thing with bad smells and tastes. Anything remotely gooey sends shivers (the electric seat kind) down my spine. I am extremely sorry about that, and I know it's just not fair, but this is a major turnoff for me. I know it kills spontaneity, but we NEED to wash up before we start the dance of joy (barring the occasional 'I need it right now').
Other remark: I know I'm ungrateful, but I have a problem with the tummy. I despise the excuses for not doing anything about it. If I had only just met you, I would maybe be less demanding, but I've had the (fortunate for me, maybe less for you) position of being able to watch you a thousand times (which dampens the original awe), and even besides that: I am an incorrigable critic.
Besides these two remarks: there is no complaint thinkable: you have the looks that will make you a 45-year old woman that men will still turn their heads at (and I will be one of them). I know from very personal experience that whatever these men may think of your 'zones of interest' (chest, brains, yoni,...), is unconditionnally below reality: they think they see marihuana and they fail to see the heroin. Your openness to anything but other women has been breathtaking already (I know I'm not always apertly appreciative about it) and your acceptance of the difference between phantasy and real life is a gift from the gods.

Whew, this is hard. How do you say some tough things that you feel need to be said, without hurting. I admit my ego may be the problem here; I'm not able to keep my bloody mouth shut when I have a problem, and I have a lot of problems. I hope I am being somewhat reasonable...

So, ok, she has a few minor flaws, but you obviously wouldn't trade her for the world. What's the fuss with monogamy then? Simply put: I'm a very hormonal man, with a strong lack of self-confidence. I'm simply not capable of stepping towards a nice girl and having a healthy flirt, you know: consenting adults stroking each other's ehrm... ego. But on the other hand, my puberty has created (or is this too easy) a craving for physical love, and apart from taste (and gender!), I am a very tolerant guy: any somewhat sexy girl is at the least welcome in my dreams, and if I were any more sociable (and not constrained by LOVE for Ilse), I would easily live a life of one night stands. There are all sorts of weird layers surrounding these emotions (or are they thoughts?): sometimes I yearn for roman era free-for-alls, sometimes I wonder what all my fuss is about. At times I believe it is just my inability to be a wantable man that is stopping me from having a go, sometimes I'm certain that my boundless love for Ilse is breaking the waves. The importance of this whole matter (one of the few things I see able to escape my self-containment) and my fear of crossing a line is even reenforcing my woman-phobia (failing to pass more than a VIRTUAL hug to V is not only a matter of respect for a way of life).
There's so much more to be said about this, and I will, most surely. The channel is there, and I WILL canalize my thoughts, even the ones I'm not certain or happy about. I may tell some parts of this story differently tomorrow, but I must not allow myself to ignore what I have thought at any day.

Am I monogamous: definitely not. I have not had sex, kissed, chatted about sex or even gone out with any other woman than Ilse since we've been together, yet still I fail to meet her popular expectations: should I not only crave her?

I know I'm ashamed of that.

But I AM thankful for all te investments, trials, errors and successes in making our love life maybe not 'vivid' (as in frequent) but interesting (in nothing but positive ways). Most of this is Ilse's work.

There are no other words: Prutske, you are intensely sexy. Thank you!(And sorry for being a grumpy sexual misfit)